self, continued

I forgot for a moment who I was.  Am.  Well, in the moment that the ink spilled on the paper, I was the ball of frustration and annoyance.  And definitely not who I wanted to be.  I’d like to be this ethereal spirit that floats above such earthly nonsense as one would find in spilled ink.  Alas, that is not who I am.  Nor am I that ball of frustration and annoyance either.

We say that a lot in Zen.  You are not this, you are not that.  This arises because that arises.  I get it.  However, in that moment of spilled ink, there’s no point expounding on quantum physics and the “form is emptiness” argument.  The ink is spilled and Newtonian physics says, Wash your tabletop!  But from an Applied Buddhism perspective, this is a powerful moment: there’s a nanosecond in which to decide if I am going to practice my art or my drama.

A week ago, Maia Duerr asked a group of us what life changing question had we asked ourselves.  You can read the fantastic questions and answers here.  My life-changing question was this: “Is this who I want to continue to be?”  You can read the circumstances of the question’s birth and its life on Maia’s blog.

In the context of yesterday’s post on resentment and resonant joy, that’s a critical question.  For me anyway.  Practice tells me there really is this split second in which we get to shift from the automatic knee-jerk reaction to an event to something that is closer to self-kindness.

I’ve been watching that evolve in my days.  A note arrived that someone I knew had written “advance praise” for a book on relationships.  “Advance Praise” is publishing code for “we need to find experts in the field who can say something about this book to give it credibility.”  I know that.  My small self, however, had a “moment.”  “X?!  You got to &%*+@’ng be kidding me!  With all those divorces …???”

Resonant joy is tough in this case, and in other relationships, where there hasn’t been a sustaining connection.  In other words, without a consistent practice of sharing in the ups and downs of our path, the delusional process of who were are to each other can be very strong.  As a baby step, it’s more useful to see that none of this is about me – neither X’s accomplishment nor the apparent lack of mine (in the context of writing a review about this book).    Truth surfacing, it isn’t my field and I sure as heck don’t know squat about the capital-P psychology of capital-R relationships.  And… here’s the point of practice… X does.  While acknowledging X’s expertise is not Yippee-Yahoo Resonant Joy, it’s appropriate to our un-relationship.

My life-changing question is critical here.  Is this who I want to continue to be?  In the moment between holding up the glossy announcement of the book and the arising of the resentment, there is space to ask and answer it.  Resentment and soul-dissolving stinginess?  Steadiness and realistic appraisal?  It’s in that space that I honour what others have as rightfully theirs even if my prejudice says otherwise.  It is where I let go of wanting what isn’t mine and valuing what is.

What is your life changing question that can move you away from witholding?


Addendum:  Read an amazing guest post by Lisa Wilson on a deeper exploration of being kind on Liberated Life Project.

4 thoughts on “self, continued

    • Think-think…thinkthinkthink… (this could get torturous!) I think, thinking is life-changing bu tmaybe not in the direction we want?

  1. First, thank you so much for the mention. Secondly, it is 8:30 pm here and my mind is just spinning. Who I am, was, continue to be…there is that space, in our relationship with ourselves and others, that seems to be there (as you mentioned) – that space in between now and what is possible. It is in that space that I continue to practice.

    Thank you for sharing such thought-provoking writing!

    • Lisa! Thank you for dropping by. I am so happy we have found each other. Your most recent post was deeply moving and I was going to leave a comment. However, words just don’t seem adequate. Please know that the expression of our passion and the stickiness of external measures is a dynamic for all of us who seek authentic connection. Your work (the real work) is vibrant and luminous. It shines. Thank you for being you.

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