blossoms of desire
brew a strong tea
~ firing separation
to be intimate
~ we struggle
mirrored and reflecting
The Ox and I dance. He turns the horns of delusion towards me and the ferocity of wanting overwhelms me. Infused with my desires, he reflects what I believe will make me whole; blinded by the need to fulfill my desires, true intimacy eludes me. I cannot see with my whole body and mind. This is the karma of desire: I see in the Other what I believe will make me whole. This is the nature of spiritual infatuation which, as with lust, will fail me consistently and inevitably. Driven only by the heat of longing, the faith beyond labels evaporates and my spiritual practice becomes calcified – rigid and girdled by form. Already, I long for the early days of heady excitement, the mystery that fired the search. I mistake this for intimacy and the longing makes our dance a ritual of possession. Slowly, in the space between steps, I see how the illusion of ownership is protective – surely against loss but inexorably against love.
If I can let go of these shields – the acquired knowledge, the labels, the constructed self – there’s a chance to connect with true intimacy. Something may come of this dance as the Ox and I create each other. In each moment we can embrace each other. Or, we can battle for domination over each other.
I see my illusions fused to the Ox and he catches me in his gaze. “The most living moment,” Rumi says, “comes when those who love each other meet each other’s eyes and in what flows between them then.” We become transparent to each other and dance as one.
At this stage, still pendulating between desire and intimacy, the connection cannot last. The Ox pulls off into the mountains of intellectualizing and vanishes into the mists of doubt and ignorance. It doesn’t matter. We are caught now, tied by the same love for connection.
Thank you for practicing,