Trying to make sense out of my experience of the first part of Chaplaincy training in the last two weeks. There’s definitely something on the other side of the mesh in the window. What it is, what it will be, will not resolve in my mind’s eye or heart simply because I wish it so. Not-knowing, yet knowing something. That something has been quartered into segments in the belief that it will be more easily digested. So now, how to hold these fragments without losing sight of the whole and let knowing-not-knowing unfold.
All beginnings are challenging. They call for letting go of assumptions and knee-jerk reflexes without negating the wisdom gleaned from past experiences. When I harden my stare, all I can see is the morning mist, congealed on the mesh of the window. If I can just soften to a gaze, I can see past the fog to the mountain, the workshed, the tools, and the ground being prepared for a more stable platform. Yet, my vision returns over and over to be enmeshed in my delusional nature. This will require effort.
You should know that arousing practice in the midst of delusion, you attain realization before you recognize it. At this time you first know that the raft of discourse is like yesterday’s dream, and you finally cut off your old understanding bound up in the vines and serpents of words. This is not made to happen by Buddha, but is accomplished by your all-encompassing effort.
Dogen’s Guidelines for Studying the Way from Moon in a Dewdrop, edited by Kazuaki Tanahashi
Thank you for practicing,