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seeds

There are few pleasures more all-encompassing than watching the birds at the feeders. It usually starts on a weekend morning sitting curled up in the sofa, sipping a cup of tea, savoring the aroma and taste of the spices that blend with the black tea leaves.  It’s a year of grosbeaks – steely-eyed females and showy males fluster on and off the grid of the feeders, trying to find their place in the hierarchy of woodpeckers, blue jays, and cardinals.  No matter how often we fill the baskets, how quickly we race out there to bridge the gap between depletions, the birds don’t seem to learn that there is a never-ending supply of food.  Always frantic, always pushy, and always determined to be the only ones at the stand.

It’s interesting because it’s not a question of intelligence.  Some of these beasties have figured out how to undo the latches on the feeders, flip open the suet holders, and even carry off the lighter feeder into the woods.  Whatever it may be, it’s a fascinating sight and the flurry of wings would make for amazing photography, if I felt so inclined to get myself off the sofa and snap a few shots.

It’s also interesting because they don’t suffer from the process.  (At least to my minimally perceptive mind, they don’t.)  For all the flapping around, everyone gets a shot at the sunflower seeds and, when they don’t, they hang out at the mixed seeds feeder until a shift change happens.  There’s a persistence and patience in the whole process that I’m only just starting to appreciate.

A willingness to wait things out has been a theme in a few conversations I’ve had lately with dharma friends and one of my dharma teachers.  Success, we’re noting, has been re-calibrated to be less about ownership of object or space and more about connecting as possible and then moving aside.  And, repeating this as needed.  This last bit is something we often forget or, perhaps out of hubris, we don’t believe is necessary.  It wasn’t uncommon for our reflections to touch on how we used to (still?) feel frustrated by the time and effort required to establish ourselves, be it in business, a career, a role, whatever.  So perhaps I should call it skillful repeating or mindful engagement with the world.

This dance of holding and letting go, giving and releasing, touching and retracting is a beautiful one when we allow it to happen.  There’s a looseness and delight in approach and turning away.  Oh and let’s not forget the seeds of nourishment we receive in that space between contact and moving away.  Even as I write this I feel a rhythm in my breathing, a settling in of muscle and bones, loose-limbed and fluid.  Like the sumi-e brush skating across the paper, sharing its ink with the compressed, pale fibres and lifting off to wait by the ink stone for the next opportunity.

The dharma talk given by these birds brought me to a better understanding of the dynamics of natural desire and greed.  Walpola Rahula in What the Buddha Taught explains that our desire for existence is the source of tanha (thirst) and is found in the aggregate of Mental Formations.  That’s not to say all striving is bad; there are ethically-motivated desires which lead us to make changes necessary for well being.  But without the awareness of that tipping point between skillful striving and wild grasping we can end up training greed.  Typically, when digging into the roots of grasping or greed we are advised to bring up the energy of generosity.  I found it interesting and more helpful to notice that the energy of patience is equally present.

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something about a goose

There was no real intention at the outset of the week to get into the Five Hindrances; the talk by Sharon Slazberg on Tricycle’s online retreat seems to have penetrated more deeply than I expected.  The Five Hindrances are desire, aversion, anxiety, restlessness, and doubt.  They colour our vision and skew our perception in ways that create profound suffering. 

Salzberg’s suggestion of turning into the experience of the arising emotion is a conventional approach to the Five Unholy Terrors but when she called it pivoting, it sparked a whole set of images for me.  Of course, at one level, we’re talking about the stance we take to the various experiences unfolding in our sensory realm (see the comment by Jeanne Desey, our dear Dalai Grandma, on Monday’s post).  At another, it’s about consciously breaking the trance of the activating event (riffing on Tara Brach) and choosing a different part of the horizon to hold in our vision. 

When difficulties arise, I tend to repeat to myself over and over: it’s not the event, it’s the experience that you’re reacting to.  Sometimes, it stops me from falling over the edge between equanimity and reactivity.  Sometimes it’s about as useful as Charlie Brown’s teacher going “wha-whan-wha-wha”.

Anger/aversion is a good example.  Lately, my mind-field has been exploding, sending out a number of shards over some events and my perceptions of the people involved.  It took some serious deconstructing and brutal honesty with a good friend who finally said (in so many words): I know you don’t tolerate fools – gladly or otherwise – but aren’t they the ones most deserving of your bodhisattva practice?  My response: Yeah, whatever.  Very gently he pointed out that while he agreed about the critical elements of the situation, he failed to see why I thought skillfulness and therefore liberation would happen just because I was involved.  That smart.  I might start speaking to him again in few months.

Salzberg suggested that when anger arose her teacher recommended that she imagine a spaceship had landed on the lawn and Martians (why is it always Martians?!) came up and knocked on her door.  They asked: What is anger?  Please tell us what is anger?

So I’ve been trying to do that but it’s tough.  These Martians need such basic explanations about socialization, virtues, values, and gosh, a whole class on the grasping that is fortified by organizations.  Then I saw a goose on the verge of the boulevard as I was driving home.

Kensho from a goose.  Really.

Along the Aviation Parkway, if you drive slowly enough (and please do!), you will spot a family of geese.  Dad and Mum with their clutch of goslings.  In the dusk they were hard to see and I think they were trying to cross the road.  It struck intense terror in me; my gut froze, cold and hard.  My breath caught and I thought I was going to suffocate.  My mind raced through thousands of horrible images of what would happen to the goose, gander, and the little fluffy yellow babies.  I was distraught to the point of wanting Frank to go back at 10 PM and check on them (he didn’t but he biked by today and reported they were fine).

My reaction fascinated me.  The Martians asked, What is this?  What is this?  The image of the goose (the male?) kept surfacing.  He stood on the rise of the grass about 10 feet from the curb, neck long and firm, body braced and his gaze fixed on the cars going by.  Each time that image arose, I sensed in my body the same gathering up of muscles and firm intention in my posture.  Protective, determined.  Willing to take on the sedans and SUVs to get to the other side.  In the end its stalwart stance may not matter because a speeding car is no match for a goose’s conviction that it can and must protect its young.  With that thought, anger arose in me. 

And I understood. 

Something precious to our work has been taken and there are some forms of attacks, such as greed and its attendant grasping, we cannot protect ourselves from.  It’s unfair and it enrages me if I think of it in terms of ownership and trust.  I have to remember that we offered our skills freely, trusting in the integrity of the process, and the dharma is not owned by anyone.  And while that trust may have been violated, the greater violence would be in getting swept away by the rage and losing our own integrity because of it.

I’d like to add Sharon’s response to a question about the usefulness of anger and fear as means of motivation and protection:

I think a couple of distinctions might be helpful. One is between feeling something and being lost in it. Even in a situation of real and immediate danger being overcome by anger or fear might severely limit our options for action, though the most natural thing in the world is to feel them. So can we have the integrity of those feelings, and even utilize them, without being overcome by them.And the other distinction would be between feeling something appropriate in a situation as compared to having that feeling become habitual, so that we perceive threat where there might not be a threat, or personalize impersonal events, and are often angry and afraid.

You can read more comments to her talk here.