Author Archives: Genju

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window on the oblique

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Matters of the heart tend to slide into my life when I’m looking the other way.  They settle into the corners and wait patiently for me notice.  If I’m not too caught up in the desiccating winds of my internal critic or the howling banshees of blame, I do catch a glimpse of them snuggled against each other, taking warmth from the light of inspiration and opportunity they carried in with them.

Sometimes, if the light dies, as it does from my neglect or blindness, they grow cold, tire, and drift away through the cracks and crevices in the gyp-rock walls and floor planks.  That usually (often!) happens when I’m caught in the busy-ness of life.  Not living.  Life.  As an Object of a verb and not a present participle, Living.

This is what it is for now.  At the end of 60 days on May 4th, I will count 32 of them spent on the road.  I am developing a profound respect for those of you who do this as the primary way of earning a living.  Or perhaps, I should write “earning a livelihood” because I fail to see the Living aspect of this.  And that is the challenge of practice, I suppose.  How to be immersed in the process of Living while doing what one needs to do.

There were some moments while at Upaya after the Chaplaincy program.  I had a week without formal obligations while Frank attended the Trauma Resource Institute’s training.  It promised to be a delicious time devoted to writing the last two chapters of our clinic guidebook.  In fact, it was a double no-brainer because one chapter was on Self-compassion and the last on the ethical and spiritual basis of mindfulness.  I intended to live out self-compassion by taking the time in beautiful inspiring places to write and where else to culminate the last chapter on spirituality but in a spiritual place!  One and a half days of the five worked out that way.

It may not seem like much but that was enough to still the brain and allow me to see the gentle relationship that sat quietly in the background and emerged on the last day.  Four of us doing what needs to be done, cultivating a community of those dedicated to the alleviation of suffering.  I’ll keep you posted.

Thank you for practising,

Genju

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window on self-promotion

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An interesting concept: self-promotion.  Some of the events that stirred the dukkha pot over the last weeks have been encounters with the manifestation of self-promotion.  Actually it hasn’t been obvious, coming couched as self-compassion.  However, the language should have tipped me off.

“It’s really important to me to do this on my own.”

“I don’t want to be part of a group.”

OK, I take that back.  The language didn’t tip me off because it sounded very assertive in setting boundaries.  The only thing at hinted at something being fishy was a felt sense of the ground shifting, the subtext sliding from goodness to grasping.  And, I tend to give a lot of credit to the inherent goodness in the Other.  That is, I give credit forgetting that inherent goodness is not necessarily goodness manifest.

Am I being harsh?  I probably am.  My downfall always comes from looking at ways connection and community can be cultivated.  If we dug deep, it’s likely tied to losing culture and community at a young age.  Or maybe it’s having had a powerful family and community which trained a mind that knows there is safeness in numbers, that the work is easier when the aspirations are embodied by many.  Who knows.

Whatever the reason, I know community is critical and it’s always a shock to realize the Other may not share that vision.  I think getting through the koan window on this one is to stop assuming that building sangha is a common aspiration for all Buddhists.  The other part is to develop a discernment of self-compassion from self-promotion.  Paul Gilbert, author of Compassionate Mind, notes that self-compassion and compassion for others go hand-in-hand.  He also is very clear in pointing out the difference between self-compassion and self-promotion.  In fact, as I read it, the latter is a shadow side of the former, cultivating competitiveness, entitlement, and personal indulgence.

It’s hard to differentiate just by listening to the words.  Is it setting a boundary?  Or is it holding a possessive view?  Is it clarifying the nature of self?  Or is it clinging to Self?  It’s a tricky line we all cross over and over.  And I see myself caught in its sticky web when I blunder along assuming the other has not only the same aspiration for a mutual outcome but the same North Star to guide us there.

Thank you for practising,

Genju